Maidenly Innocence. Sort of. Well, no.
by Lizyrd
Summary: It's Lily and James's seventh year, and James finds out that Snape likes Lily! Can the Marauders preserve her "maidenly innocence" and have some fun in the process? You bet!! A M.W.P.&P. story.
1. The Letter

Chapter 1 

The Marauders quietly tip-toed up to the girl's dorm one Saturday afternoon.   
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Peter Pettigrew nervously as they opened the Gryffindor girl's dorm door.   
"Relax," said Sirius Black airly as they went in. No one was there. "We've got Lily warned-- who else is there to worry about?"   
"I'm telling you, rigging the girl's dorm is the best idea we've had in a while," snickered James Potter, closing and locking the door magically. "Everyone's outside watching that Hufflepuff vs. Ravenclaw match, so no one's going to barge in on us."   
"If you're sure," said Peter doubtfully.   
"Look!" Remus Lupin pointed. "We can put some of those exploding candalabras over there."   
"Excellent," congratulated Sirius. "It's a nice conspicous spot."   
"And the wax will explode all over Martha Herrald's sheets," exclaimed James gleefully. Martha Herrald was possibly the most annoying girl in school and the Marauders had the fortune to be in the same house with her.   
"We have GOT to stop picking on Martha," chuckled Sirius, "she's just too easy."   
"Yeah, well, it helps that she was your girlfriend for a while," retorted Remus.   
"A very short while," added Peter.   
The boys set a small silvery candalabra, complete with candles and matches, on each bedside table. Each candalabra had a small card attached, reading "From a secret admirer. Instructions: burn the candles halfway down and find out who it is!"   
: "They probably will know who it is," remarked James, "because only we would pull a prank this dirty."   
"Hey, James, did you know Lily has a picture of you under her pillow?" asked Sirius, grinning wickedly. "I'll bet she kisses it goodnight."   
James threw himself on Sirius and the two tussled briefly. Finally James grabbed a pillow and ended the match by making Sirius sneeze so hard he couldn't fight.   
"Stop-- achoo! --that-- achoo! -- right now-- achoo! --Jimmy Sunshine," Sirius laughed between his sneezes.   
That only made James grab another pillow and pummel him some more. "Don't--call--me--Jimmy--Sunshine," he said, punctuating each word with a buffet from the feather pillows. It was all good natured, of course, and both boys were enjoying it.   
Grinning, Remus draped a large blanket over the two of them. This ended the match immediately, since neither could see underneath the satin. "Why don't you like to be called Jimmy Sunshine?" asked Remus innocently. "It is your name, after all."   
"My name is _ James Daystar Potter _," came the muffled but dignified reply. "NOT Jimmy Sunshine."   
"Besides, Jimmy Sunshine sounds like a whiskey," squeaked Peter.   
Sirius struggled out of the blanket and put it and the pillows back on the bed. "Well, who says James isn't a-- hey, what was that?"   
A large owl swooped through the open window, carrying a small letter. It dropped it on the headboard and promptly swept out again.   
"It's addressed to Lily," remarked Sirius, picking it up.   
"Leave for Lily, then," said James impatiently, but Sirius was already tearing open the letter.   
"That's _ Snape's handwriting,_" Sirius frowned, tossing the envelope to James. "And I don't trust a thing that slimy git says."   
"Read it out loud," squealed Peter. "Oh, do go on!"   
"Here goes: 

_'My Dearest Lily:   
It is Severus. I must talk to you.   
Meet me outside at the large oak tree just   
left of the Whomping Willow at midnight   
tomorrow. I have something to say that   
cannot be said inside the school.   
Yours,   
Severus'." _

Sirius looked up. "That's it-- it sounds almost like he likes her--"   
The four were silent as the full effect of what Sirius was implying hit them. Finally, they had reactions.   
"_Jesus Christ_!" said Remus, looking ill.   
"_DAMN that little son of a--_" Sirius swore.   
James simply rolled up his eyes and quietly fainted. Sirius swore again.   
"Hey little girly man," he teased, kicking James gently, "at least I didn't FAINT. Wimpy, aren't you, Jimmy Sunshine?"   
"I did not faint," came the quiet voice from the floor. "I simply find it easier to take this news sitting down. And my name is_ NOT JIMMY SUNSHINE!!_"   
"Lying down, you mean," joked Remus. "But you're taking up to much floor space."   
This was no jest. James has streched his entire six foot two length on the floor and now there was hardly room to walk.   
"You want serious floor coverage, I'm the man." Sirius streched out opposite James, occupying six feet five inches of the room's width. Between the two of them, Remus was forced to move to sitting on a bed and Peter had to huddle into a corner.   
"The big question is, _ what are we going to do?_" asked Remus anxiously.   
"What?" Sirius was lost.   
"Wake up, dog boy! She's my girlfriend-- surely you're going help to protect her maidenly innocence?" James shook his head at his friend's blankness.   
"Girlfriends," said Sirius dreamily. "I've heard of those..."   
"And you have one, remember? Trina Moren?"   
"Oh yeah. Sorry about that-- now, you were saying?"   
"Lil' can't possibly find out about this-- it'd drive her nutters. What with Clarence Higgins acting up, she's got her hands full fending off suitors anyway... and if _ Snape _comes out, I dread to think what Lily would do."   
"Jump in the lake, probably," said Sirius, "I know I would, if Snape had a crush on me."   
"I think just about_ ANY _ guy would jump in the lake if Snape had a crush on them," Remus told him encouragingly.   
"You know Remus, you have a sick side that very rarely comes out, and when it does....." Peter shuddered. "I get living nightmares."   
"Back to bigger issues," interrupted James. "What are we going to do?"   
"Not let Lily know, of course," said Remus, looking suprised. "What else is there to do?"   
"You know, this strikes me as an excellent time to play some major pranks on Snape...." 

****** 

Later that afternoon, James and co. snuck into the Owlery, carrying a reply to Snape that Sirius, who was did excellent imatations, had forged.   
Remus read it once more just to make sure they were done. 

_ " 'Dearest Severus, I will be there. It is really a good thing you sent that letter, as I have been waiting for a chance to talk to you for quite a while now. I'll see you at midnight tomorrow! Yours, Lily Evans'." _

Peter went into a fit of uncontrolable sniggers as Remus finished. "That's perfect!"   
"Yes, it does sound like something that Lil' would say," agreed James wryly.   
"Hey Jimmy Sunshine, care to do the honors?" Sirius offered the letter to him.   
"Not until you can get my name right, I won't," retorted James.   
"All right, JAMES DAYSTAR POTTER, would you care to do the honors and save your noble friend some work?"   
"Aything to save my noble friend from dirtying his soft palms," said James sarcastically. "Heaven forbid soil under his manicured nails!"   
"Is _that _ why you don't like Herbology?" inquired Peter, grinning.   
"Oh, be quiet," Sirius mock-sulked. "My heart is deeply wounded, Jimmy dahlin'."   
"What heart, dog-faced boy?"   
"Look, could we just get on with it?" asked Remus, tiring of all the good-natured insults.   
James let the owl go and watched as it soared out the window. "Right," he said, turning, "let's get planning......"   


****** 

Disclaimer: I don't own this maggot infested piece of tripe (sorry, just felt like grossing you out there) and it's a good thing, too... although I DID make up James's nickname and his middle name, I still don't own him. Or Sirius (although I desperately wish I did) and unless Santa brings me the rights to the Harry Potter series (and I seriously doubt the elves can do THAT good a forgery), I don't own ANY of the characters... =( 

A/N: Oooh! I'm evil! Slight cliffhanger! And you know what? I'm not going to continue unless you people liked it, so review and tell me what you thought, pleez!! Incidentally, this was my first formatted story. I hope you enjoyed it, because it was a lot of trouble. The next installment will be up as soon as I bloody well feel like it! ;-) 

PS. All three parts are now up!! And they're chaptered! 

Oh, and pleez review a lot. I lost twenty eight reviews when I chaptered, so let's make it up! Have pity, please.... 

**-- Lizyrd (^__^) **

PS. I now have a banner for all you fans who liked this out there. I know you're not done yet, but if you read and like it, go here (just copy/paste, I'm too lazy to link.): 

http://www.angelfire.com/folk/hogwarts/maidenly.jpg 


	2. The Plan

Chapter 2 

A/N: Here it is folks! The next part! Who am I to argue with my loyal readers?? 

A voice startled James out of his dreams of flying.   
"James, James! Wake up!"   
"Rise and shine, Jimmy boy!"   
James knew both of those voices and he flung a pillow at the latter. There was a loud sarcastic "Oh, that really hurt," and James knew he'd hit Sirius.   
"Shut up, Mr. BLUE," he mumbled.   
"James, it's Lily. Come on, get up! I know you want to pratice throwing pillows while your face is buried in the blankets, but we've got Quidditch pratice."   
James groaned. Lily, the Seeker and captian of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, had amazing persistance when it came to getting people out of bed.   
"Go 'way, Lily," said James, raising his head an inch. "You're not supposed to be in here anyway."   
"Too bad for me," was the reply.   
"James," called Remus from the other end of the room, "you've got a vision of maidenhood for your girlfriend. The least you can do is appreciate her."   
"Thanks, Remus," said Lily dryly. "I'm not even sure if that's a complement."   
"Probably not."   
"A vision of maidenhood, eh? I kinda like that," James commented, sitting up. "So, you want me to get up, Vision of Madienhood?"   
Lily hit Remus over the head with a pillow. "Remus! Now you've gone and given him ideas."   
"How about, 'Peerless Perfection of Maidenhood'?" asked Sirius innocently from the other side of the room. Lily dived and tackled him.   
"Oh, be quiet!"   
"When's Quidditch practice, oh Peerless Perfection?" asked James, grinning wickedly.   
"You shut up too," Lily told him, beginning to beat Sirius over the head with a pillow.   
"Why--achoo! --do I-- achoo! --have the --achoo! --feeling I've-- achoo! --gone through-- achoo! --before?" grumbled Sirius between allergy fits.   
"Because we like to beat up on you," said Peter, heading for the bathroom.   
"Right," said Lily. "And now that you're all properly awake, I'll see you on the Quidditch field in fifteen minutes!"   
She gave James a kiss and walked out, kicking Sirius lightly as she did so. James watched her go.   
"You know, you couldn't ask for a better lady than Lily," said James. "Smart, tough, got a senese of humor, has really cool friends, determined...slightly violent..."   
"Yeah, well, it helps that she's pretty, doesn't it, Jimmy Sunshine?"   
"Sirius! SHUT UP ABOUT THE JIMMY SUNSHINE THING!!"   
"I can't help it if your parents named you a stupid name!"   
"They didn't name me Jimmy Sunshine! They named me James Daystar Potter!"   
"So you keep saying," said Remus, getting out of bed, "but sometimes, I do have to wonder."   
"What, you think my name really is Jimmy Sunshine?"   
"You know, we've got Quidditch pratice-- you'd better get ready." Remus avoided the question with the diplomacy he was famous for.   
James grunted and fell out of bed, hitting the floor with a thud. None of the boys looked up; they had grown used to this odd custom. Upon asking, James would say, "It helps wake me up". No one knew whether to believe him or not.   
James was in the bathroom when he remembered-- Snape! The smile was wiped from his face. How COULD he have forgotten? It was the big day...... and if they failed, Lily's maidenly innocence would be scarred forever!   
There was nothing for it-- they'd just have to wait. James walked out to the Quidditch field with Sirius and Remus, his fellow Chasers. Lily was already there.   
"Good," she said, ushering them into the locker room. "You're the last ones... I've got a new plan to explain and it might take a few minutes.."   
The three looked around. The Keeper, Alexandra Peir, was slowly nodding off at the back of the room; the two Beaters, Katrina Porpington and Silvus Lewyn, had their heads together in a corner. "Listen up, everybody," said Lily, clapping her hands. "I've got a new plan this year, and it really depends on aerodynamics and the body, not your brooms--"   
James quietly zoned out, catching only the most important details of the lecture. When he finally walked out on the Quidditch field, his mind was certainly not on what he was supposed to be doing. "What's the problem, James?" yelled Lily, looping him. "You were brillant yesterday, and it's not any earlier in the morning!"   
James nodded his head, more to clear it than to answer, but tried to focus on the game. He did much better, but had a fierce headache by the time they ended.   
As they all walked back up to the Gryffindor common room, there came a terrific explosion from the girl's dorm. All of the girls but Lily raced up to their rooms as there was another tremedous POW! Lily shook her head, red locks flying everywhere.   
"I take it your exploding candalabras worked?"   
"Sounds like it, doesn't it?" grinned Remus.   
"How many did they light?" asked Peter wonderingly, as the explosions continued upstairs.   
"I'd say someone was jealous and lit all of them to find out all the admirers," snickered Sirius, as shrieks came drifting down the stairs.   
"That would be Martha," said James as Martha Herrald came charging down the stairs.   
"You!" she screamed, "you, you, you-- MARAUDERS!!"   
"My dear Martha," said Remus charmingly, "what did we do?"   
"You planted those candles, admit it!"   
"What candles?" asked James, feigning puzzledness.   
"The exploding candalabras!"   
"My dear girl," said James, putting on his best condesending smile, "I am Head Boy! Lily is Head Girl! Remus here is a prefect! Do you really think we would do something as-- spiteful as all that?" For the first time Martha hesitated.   
"Rest assured," Lily told her, stepping forward, "we will look into the matter." Martha knew a cue from the Head Girl when she heard one. She walked away.   
"Actually, we ARE the matter," muttered Sirius, and they laughed.   
"So, why aren't you a prefect too, Sirius?" asked James teasingly. "You get good marks."   
"His brains are too scrambled by all the buffeting with pillows," said Lily.   
"Why does he get good marks, then?"   
"Uh, guys," Trina Moren appeared beside Sirius's elbow. "Hate to interrupt your little argument, but I need to talk to Lily for a moment." She looked at all the boys and said pointedly, "Alone."   
"What about?" asked Sirius, ever the nosy one.   
"It's a girl thing," said Margaret Adava deliberately, coming to stand beside Trina.   
Remus blushed a little. Margaret had been his girlfriend in their sixth year, but they'd never really hit it off. They were still friends, but Remus was a tiny bit uncomfortable around her.   
"Pay toll," said Sirius, leaning down. WAY down.   
Trina, always the cute one, gave him a kiss. "There you go, you handsome rogue," she said, laughing. "Let's go, Lil'."   
"Yeah, you handsome rogue," said Lily, giving him a twisted smile. "Let us go now, please."   
"How can I resist a request from the Peerless Perfection of Maidenhood," Sirius shot back.   
"Sirius, if you were hitting on Lily, you've got a death wish." Margaret giggled. "You'd have three people who'd want to kill you: James, Lily, and Trina."   
"Is THAT what you've been doing to Lily?" asked James with great interest. "I thought you were just teasing."   
"Jimmy Sunshine, I AM just teasing. I wouldn't hit on your girlfriend... well, not much. Not actually HITTING on her, no....."   
"Sirius, you may as well go jump out the window now, because, one of these days, my friend, I'm going to kill you over that Jimmy Sunshine insult. Hitting on Lily will just make your death a little more painful."   
"I challenge you to a duel, you cad," taunted Sirius. "I'll take one on one! I'll take you both together!"   
"Stop quoting Princess Bride, Padfoot-- we've seen that movie WAY too many times."   
"Yeah, besides, we've got GUY things to talk about," Remus reminded them.   
Five minutes later they were safely shut in their dormitory. James took a parchment out from his bedside table. "All right," he said, "here's what we're gonna do."   
"First, could you give us an overview?" asked Peter, confused.   
"We're going to make Snape think he's not destined for Lily."   
"And how are we going to do that?" asked Sirius.   
"Well, we're going to use our Animagi forms......." 

Disclaimer: I don't own this, as usual. I don't own ANY of the characters, even the ones I made up... ::grins sourly:: and I don't feel like going into an explaination of WHY I don't own them. 

A/N: Heeheehee! I'm evil once again! :::laughs::: I don't like slight cliffhangers, do I? Well, this particular piece of story was pretty short, but there's at least ONE more installment coming, maybe two. I don't know. Anyway, as always, review, please, I love reviewers.... they're such responsible readers and really show their appreciation... ::sigh::: Anyway... the next, and last, part is now up...

**-- A very confused and tired Lizyrd **


	3. The Prank

** *Maidenly Innocence. Well, sort of. Not really, no.* part 3 (and final installment) **

Chapter Three 

Severus Snape looked around. Oh, where was Lily? He'd been waiting almost fifteen minutes, and there was not a sign of her.   
Behind him came a soft footstep. He spun around. No one was there-- what could he have heard? The Whomping Willow creaked ominously as silvery moonlight shone down between the branches of the oak tree that he was standing under.   
A spark! A reddish spark! Severus looked to his right-- there, underneath the Whomping Willow, which was mysteriously frozen, a fountain of reddish sparks appeared. "Who's there?" he called, gathering his courage.   
Off to his left, there was a mournful howl. The sparks disappeared. Severus whipped around again, and caught a glimpse of a black stag with black eyes bounding through the forest.   
He heard a chitter and glanced up. A rat with pale blue eyes was right above him in the tree. Severus yelled and jumped away-- he HATED rats. The rat dropped something on the ground and scurried around the trunk.   
Hesitantly, he picked the thing up. It was a piece of parchment. Severus shook it open with one hand and read, 

Stay away from the Red Haired One.   
She is a violent girl. She plans to meet   
tonight. Go back to where it is safe.   
Misfortune will fall upon you if you   
stay. You are for a great destiny.   
Go. - The Red Daemons   


Below it was a pawprint smeared with blood, a drawing of a black stag with bloody antlers, a red moon, and a sketch of a rat with red eyes.   
Severus sniffed. The blood smelled: it was real. He bit his lip.   
From the edge of the forest came a low growl. Severus looked up to find a huge black dog staring at him icily, paws planted firmly. Suddenly it lifted a lip.   
The inside of its lip and its teeth were smeared with blood.   
Severus stood, rooted to the spot. Literally. The oak had bent down and snared him in its branches.   
"What the--" he cursed, trying to break free of the brittle grip. There came a harsh cry above him and the branches let go, catapulting him a small distance into the forest. There was a tremendous crash as Severus thudded through the top branches, rebounded of a maple, and fell into the underbrush.   
"Hahahahahaaa!" Insane laughter echoed through the forest as a red haired figure hovered in the air over the spot where he lay. Just as quickly as it had risen, it zoomed away, riding through the air on apparently nothing.   
Snape took off like a bat out of Hell, tearing out of the forest and back up to the school, not daring to look over his shoulder.   
James watched him go with satisfaction and transformed back into his human self under the shelter of some trees.   
"Okay, Remus, you can come down," he called as soon as the castle doors had slammed shut. Remus Lupin sank to the ground, riding James's Nimbus 1000 covered with an Invisiblity Cloak so it appeared he was riding on nothing.   
"Whew," he said, taking off his wig, "these things are hot."   
"You think so? I don't find them attractive at all." Sirius came crashing through the underbrush. "I don't think a girl would like it either."   
"That's not what I meant," Remus laughed, digging an elbow into Sirius's ribs. "I meant tempature hot."   
"Oh. That makes more sense." Sirius spat onto the ground. "Ick. Plain ketchup doesn't taste very good."   
"It was your idea," Peter pointed out, materializing out of the gloom. "But when it comes to that, parchment doesn't taste very good either. Remus, I must congratulate you on that evil laugh. You've got that thing down pat."   
"Thank you," said Remus courteously. "It's a good thing we used rotten berries to make that fake blood so we could mark the letter. Did you see the way he sniffed it? Regular berry juice would have smelled like berries."   
"Good thing he didn't see the seeds," chuckled Sirius. "It's been a while since I've faked Mother out with mulberry juice."   
"Where did you get the name Red Daemons?" asked James.   
Remus grinned. "It's not original-- it's a muggle baseball team."   
"What's the betting Snape'll be avoiding Lily completely for at least a week?" inquired Sirius. "I'll slap down a Sickle."   
"You're on," said James. "I'm betting for less than a week... his memory isn't that great.."   
"Your memory better be, though, Jimmy Sunshine, because you still owe me money from our last bet."   
"FOR THE LAST DAMN TIME, MY NAME IS NOT JIMMY SUNSHINE!"   
"That's what you think."   


(Four days later)-- "Okay, fork it over," laughed James, holding out his palm. "It's only been four days and he's already mooning again."   
"I don't think he'll try to meet with her in secret, though," chortled Remus. "We gave him a scare he won't forget in a hurry."   
Sirius grudgingly surrendered his silver. "There you go, and not a Knut more. I hardly have enough money to go to Zonko's as it is."   
Lily, Margaret, and Trina came over. "Have you guys seen Snape?" asked Lily innocently.   
The four Marauders traded glances. "Why?" queried James suspiciously.   
"Well," Lily blushed, "I know you're not going to believe me, but Severus has been sending me these really sappy love letters, and he said he was going to send one with a meeting place. I want to tell him it's off and I've already got a boyfriend."   
The Marauders simply gaped at her. "You mean we've been WASTING our HARD EARNED time?" Sirius finally croaked.   
"You KNEW?" James stared at Lily.   
"What?" Lily was confused.   
"A letter came from Snape the other day telling you he wanted to see you," explained Remus, beginning to chuckle, "and we decided to preserve your "maidenly innocence" and not tell you."   
"And give Snape a good scare in the process, I'll wager," grinned Lily.   
"Well, yes, but who wouldn't have?"   
"Maidenly innocence, that's a good one....." 

A/N: Well guys, just couldn't drag it out any longer. This is it, the end of this bizarre little tome... I wanted to make if four parts, but NO, I just couldn't quite do it... what can I say, my muse has strange ideas.. Is it just me, or are my climaxes actually slightly ANTI-climactic? (Please tell me I'm wrong...)   
Oh, to all of you who didn't like Trina and Margaret being Lily's best friends ::glares at Julius:: they're not evil. Oh well, Julius (which is possibly the coolest name on Earth), I forgive you, because you've reviewed my stories faithfully... :::wink, wink:::: Merry Christmas, all!   
** -- The Lizyrd (Originator of the Jimmy Sunshine schtick). =) **


End file.
